If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.