My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Breaking news:
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”