Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.