Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls