I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*