Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
A wise man once said nothing.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.