I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Practicing safe sax
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.