me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
how to market bottled water to dads
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”