interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.