When life hands you women, make women laid.
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.