STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
this will hang in the louvre one day
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Every damn time
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.