I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
A wise man once said nothing.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.