I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house