People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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Grandmother clock.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
😎 🍻
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?