showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You Might Also Like
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
not seeing the problem
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*seductively eats two tums*