“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’m sure it’s fine.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Yoga Matt
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.