If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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Hard not to take this personally
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.