The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
PLOT TWIST:
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold