The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
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I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The two types of wives
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.