Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.