Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Bruh PLEASE
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?