Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
went fishing caught a bass
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day