My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.