Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I bet birds love this building.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.