If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup