But is it really??
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit