*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
two people or more is called a problem
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”