Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?