BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.