I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked