Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*