Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Love it! 👍😂