I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
He wanted to make sure😂
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Mornin
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.