Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.