I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
He’s cranky this morning
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911