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The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.