[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
sigh
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
🤣dope
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”