The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”