If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
#ProTip
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.