People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.