You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.