[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.