I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
You Might Also Like
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”