[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.