If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.