If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
CUTE CAT‼︎
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.