A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
How it started How it’s going
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m not average. I’m mean.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.