My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.