[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Not recommended for beginners.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *