Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes