*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
#oldknees
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards